Having realized that you are not having connections with the people around you is scary yet depressing at the same time. The amount of time you spent with them doesn't correlate with the depth of connection you have with a person.
There is always a fear that you might not find someone again with the same connection. This is always the case in the initial part of a relationship and people hold on to sometimes to it without knowing that it is better to let go.
Love isn't about possession nor ownership.
Love is selfless and unconditional.
For example, we look at the micro view of an act of love which is an act of charity. You don't demand for recognition nor remunerations, you give because you can and you should.
Compassionate people like Mother Theresa didn't start helping others because she wanted to get famous. Getting famous is something that was an unexpected outcome but she did it unconditionally and willingly.
Being able to see the person in a state of happiness is more than enough for me, even if it might be unrequited. Someone told me I'm holding it back and after days of countless conversations with myself, it is true. One, due to circumstances that I can't change and two, because i'm afraid that I will let my emotions kill me on the inside. I don't want to give up a hard sought connection just because my emotional side wants to hold on to her so dearly and trust me, it is not an easy battle.
Nonetheless, my job here is done and all I wished is for her to be back to her cheery self again.
What is meant to be, will be.
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I feel the need to pen down my thoughts recently because there are so many of them going through my mind daily, because i'm at this stage of life where I feel I need to know myself better. Knowing that I've a memory of a goldfish, these thoughts are vital in keeping me sane as well as aware.
However, having excessive thoughts can sometimes lead to overthinking, which many of us are suffering from. Overthinking is unhealthy and it sometimes creates problems that don't even exist in the first place.
'Worrying is like paying interest in advance for a debt that you might not owe.'
Indeed, most of us have been paralyzed at some point in our life by our fears and anxieties. These negative thoughts are mostly the result of overthinking and they might not even be real or possible in the first place! You will never be free until you free yourself from the prison of your own false thoughts and I believe that your thoughts and beliefs actually, consciously or sub-consciously dictate your actions and behaviors. We often do not realize that the only person that can make us worry and unhappy is we ourselves.
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'You see but you do not observe, you hear but you do not listen'
Getting my ass back to Singapore after an extraordinary exchange program was indeed a chore. I was in South Korea, Busan for the past 5 months, eating kimchis and honing my sign language with the Koreans. The food there is awesome, the people unbelievably attractive (don't go there if you want to feel inferior) and the sights are magnificent. Living alone on foreign land might sound daunting for many of us but I feel it is a good experience to get out of our comfort zone and learn something that can be useful to us in the near future.
Nope, by learning something new I don't mean like attending a Korean course and get some new knowledge out of it because, not trying to be offensive but their curriculum is quite easy.. But what i'm talking about is life experiences and lessons that can make you grow as a person, both physically and spiritually. Looking back, even though i'm a late bloomer, i tend to observe and see more things than the others. I tend to observe more than I act, and listen more than i talk. I always feel insecure about it and believe that it is a bad trait or habit of mine but this in turn shaped me into who I am today.
And I realized i'm sensitive af. After being through two utter failures in my relationships, I was dejected and disappointed with all the woo-ha about love and commitment. They are nothing but empty checks and blown-up marketing scams that seek to enslave people. I told myself then, never am I going to be involve in this shit until I graduate. Somehow, this affected my outlook in not just revolving around romantic connections, but normal relationships as well. I became a nonchalant, self-centered, paranoid and un-empathetic guy who dgaf about what your problems are as I know you might betray me sometime in the future.
I close myself up and gave up love, which makes me miserable. I know this is not me, but i'm afraid to walk down the same path again where my heart is vulnerable to external abuses. When I went for exchange, I interacted with amazing people and friends that made me change my outlook pertaining to this issue. I see how love begets love, just as well as violence begets violence. I see how people who embraces love are happier as well, even if they are unrequited. I see how being an asshole will only drive people out of your life, even though you're protecting yourself. I see how people are actually connected to each other, even though they don't say it.
I witness what is unconditional love.
And I appeal to anyone out there, give love another chance.
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"The bane of my existence, is you who come and go with the wind."
People from all walks of life come and go at a certain period of your life, and what they get out of you is undoubtedly the time you spent on them. They could be that fair-weathered friend you had when you were in secondary school, always counting on you when they are in trouble. Or maybe you could still remember your best buddy who you loved to hang out with in primary school, but news of him soon dissipated in a span of a few years after graduation.
You could see your life journey as a linear path where there are different rest points, in the form of little huts on the side of the road that you travel on. Sometimes you stopped to nurse your fatigue, have fun and create memories. Sometimes you stayed for a while, but couldn't help and have to move on as the hut is on the verge of collapsing due to external circumstances like the wind and the rain.
In this little huts, you go through different transformations-each time a different one, and come out as a different man.
I am who I am thanks to the various people that have entered my life. Some went well while some didn't proceed as anticipated. Nevertheless, a little piece of them got left behind as the huts collapse and I picked them up with a pinch of salt and hurried on to my journey.
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“Life is not complex. We are complex. Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing.” — Oscar Wilde
I've been overwhelmed with school ever since August and things have started to slow down a little bit, NOT.
While at least not for me since I've got 2 assignments that will be due next week and I decided to procrastinate a little further and visit this little space of mine. I was never, and ever wanted to be someone popz and hapz (pardon my urban slangs, been using them quite alot lately) in my life. I love to retreat myself into my own constructed dimension whenever I feel low to somehow recharge myself. Yes i'm like your mobile phone that you constantly slammed for it's weak battery life. Sometimes you just gotta throw everything out of the window (not literally, you could get jailed for high rise littering :/) and just take a step back and view life in another perspective.
Life is complicated because we make it complicated. I've been fascinated by the things i've been studying, oh yea by the way i'm a sociology major. The cold harsh reality that we've been facing since we attain maturity was actually the work of the devil, wait don't misunderstand me as some religious fanatic but the devil here refers to society. I feel I could relate myself to the things i'm studying because for one fact, I AM inside this devil, everyone is. This unconsciously pressure is fucked up, that is why we need to wind down.
Be it you're having problems in your relationships, studies or your toilet bowl got choked, you need a venue to vent your frustrations. But please do not do it on someone else, that's dirty. So boys and girls, enjoy life while you can, where little things actually hold meanings and may the force be with you.
Signing off to save the world
*flies away*
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It's one of those beautiful Sunday morning where we would laze around in bed due to an exhausting night of partying the previous day. You can see people jogging in the parks, birds chirping and the usual aunties going to the market.
The day seems so perfect for everyone but not for the case of someone on a bus near diary farm road.
At around 0855h this morning, a public bus overturned on one of the road in our little island. Someone died on the spot and a few injuries were reported.
The first thing when someone told me about it was : wu ia bo? (really anot?)
This was another fatal accident that happened on our shore in a short period of time, after the cement truck that killed 2 boys at tampines.
I went to CNA Facebook page to look for their updates and there were already 127 comments by netizens and I was disgusted.
People were pointing fingers at the organization, at the bus driver's nationality and the condition of the bus.
Before we make any judgement on who's at fault and pushing the entire blame to the driver (which was the easiest), we should take a step back and not adding fuel to the flames.
Instead shouldn't we be giving our hearts to the deceased and his family? A life is lost from this episode and instead of raging at the company (starts with S), shouldn't we feeling sympathetic towards the victims of this ugly accident?
Singaporeans are perpetually complaining, from the haze to the hello kitty madness. Are we really as cohesive as it seems?
Life is short and precious and to all road users out there, whether you're a motorist or pedestrian, execute great care not only for yourself, but to others too.
My condolences to the deceased and his family.
Sincerely,
James
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It has been a great year for me so far, with many of my wishes coming true by I don't know, some unknown being? If you guys do not know, fyi I'm an atheist.
I got my bike license and a new bike which allows me to avoid the shitty public transport system (because I can teleport with my bike and avoid traffic jams)
I got into a local university which I don't have to pay a single cent for the school fees (for now)
I went to Genting and lost my entire fortune there because I thought I was Chow Yun Fatt (just kidding)
Well you can say things are getting pretty awesome along the way and I hope more will be coming as I'm going to ORD'ed for the second time!
I'm gonna say goodbye to drawing a monthly salary which allows me to splurge and now lead a sad and penniless student life.
For some reason I'm feeling jittery. Well, it happens alot of times so no worries. I think I might have some syndrome called "Moving-on-sibei-scary" syndrome.
Mehhh, come at me bro!
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Have you ever missed a friend out of a sudden? What I meant wasn't those ifyouknowwhatimean feelings but just genuine missing someone out of pure friendship. Back in the good old days where people thoughts are much more simpler, gestures between friends were just based on feelings and not motives.
I bet you would definitely recall a moment when you quarreled with your best friend and wanted to cut all connections with him or her but the very next day, you guys were back as buddies again.
I mean friendship is one of the most important ties in your life, second to your family. If you look at your life in perspective, the first few people you interact with is your family and what comes after that?
You go to school and you make friends, different kinds of friends. It may come to a point that you would value your friends more then your family as the amount of time you spend with them in school or having fun is quite an amount i must say.
So before you ditched your friends and go on to pursue whatever you want to do, be it going after the girl of dreams or working like a ox, think again.
Because when people get treated like an option, they would make your life easier and fuckin leave you. Slowly but gradually and the next time you guys meet, it will be as strangers!
All these thoughts spurred me to write a letter to a friend below.
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Thursday, September 29, 2016